We Rite Goode

Yet another reason for fast-food cashiers to love their jobs
Tuesday, June 19, 2007

As a public service, WRG wanted to draw the attention of all college students/unemployed liberal arts majors/bloggers to the following promotion, courtesy of California Tortilla--a Mid-Atlantic company, naturally, that's our answer to Taco Bueno.

Sure, some SI columnist recently wrote about it, and a kooky art collector--is there any other kind?--used rock, paper, scissors to pick an auction house for his $18 million sale. But the game hasn't really been in vogue since, oh, 2004. (Although it did make for some great sports writing that we'll be reading for decades no doubt. Here's some breathless coverage from the New York Times.

My opponent and I faced each other across the white lines, separated by an arm's length in the dark, smoky bar. He planted his feet firmly, shoulder-width apart, while I fell into a fighting stance, right foot forward--a natural response from years of tae kwon do. The referee stood between us. The crowd looked on expectantly.

The rules were deceptively simple--rules that people all over the world grasp as young children.

Paper covers rock. Rock crushes scissors. Scissors cut paper.

Wow, whatever could have happened next?! Did the opponent throw...paper? Or maybe he threw...scissors?! Ah, the suspense is killing me.)

But at WRG, we won't pooh-pooh free stuff. Especially when it relates to tacos.

Naturally, every media outlet that ever covers RPS, as the in-crowd knows it, wants to give Joe Reader tips to fix the game. (For shame, NPR.) Even the Washington Post got in on the strategeizing this week, although their advice is conduct a spontaneous Myers-Briggs test.

But as you head to one of California Tortilla's locations, forget the paper of record and its followers. While Doctor Dribbles knows how to handle the rock, he also knows a few things about when to throw it. A few tips, culled from years of barroom experience spent nervously avoiding the opposite sex.

1. Tell your opponent that you're going to throw, say, scissors right before it's time to shoot. With only a second or two to think, he'll instinctively avoid whatever loses to scissors (paper) and probably throw scissors to tie or maybe rock to try and beat you. You run pretty good odds of winning, or at least tying, if you throw rock.

2. Give off false tells. Straight out of poker. Nervously clench and unclench your hand--you're screaming paper all the way. Then come in with the rock to nail your opponent's scissors. Ka-blam! (That is the sound that scissors make when smashed by a rock, I'd imagine).

3. Don't stare at your opponent for a minute and then throw rock.