Who moved Dan Steinberg's cheese?

Record heat blazes through the greater Washington, D.C. area. The city reeks of baked concrete and other smells best unmentioned. Children are forced, against their better judgment, to break open fire hydrants and dance in the puddles. No fluid is spared from quick evaporation; Rita's Water Ice is now just Rita's.

Is this the work of an angry higher power, perhaps steaming us with his wrath?

Quite possibly.

On last week's Blog Show, Dan Steinberg--proprietor of the DC Sports Bog and occasional friend to We Rite Goode--failed to name an artisanal cheese of the week (skip to 8:40 for the offending dialogue).

Gasp! A shocking moment that rivals any snafu in public access TV history! Ken Sander, you're on notice. Consider that even Steinberg sit-in Littles summoned up "Nacho Cheese" during his week of hosting duty.

True, we at WRG did not always know what "artisinal cheese" was, nor know how to spell it. But lo, the segment is now a staple of our sports blog diet, not to mention cocktail patter. And if Steinberg doesn't give us the goods, how are we supposed to impress the We Rite Goodettes at restaurant week dinner tomorrow?

We're sure that Senor Bog has prepared a Jordan-like comeback for this week's Blog Show--perhaps there will be a Rocky-like training montage, with Steinberg walking the aisles of Whole Foods, forced to name cheeses at a moment's notice--but at the very least, WRG wants to save our hero future embarrassment. We've come up with a list of suggestions and matching analysis that Steinberg can quote from at a moment's notice, next time he goes all Sergio on 18.

(Although we're the first to admit: Our collective cheese mongering knowledge begins with American and ends with Cheddar. But, hey, we're not fancy ex-cheese buyers--just lowly riters who think Swiss is a fancy foreign import.)

String cheese
Playing with your food is always fun, and pulling string cheese apart never gets old. Plus, it's affiliated with a cool jam band, and that seemed to work pretty well for Eric Clapton and Cream.

While it seems like string cheese should just sell itself, given these many advantages we'd caution Steinberg not to recommend it too heartedly. Having sampled a bit this week, it's blander and saltier than we remember in our golden youth. This is no Gruyère, aficionados!

Kraft's macaroni cheese
Speaking of golden youth, we could not get enough of the mac and cheese mix back in the days when We Rote Just Oh-Kay. Mother Crucifictorious seemed like a cooking goddess, whipping this stuff up in mere minutes!

Several decades and college loans later, we realized how easy we let her have it. Try eating this scarily orange cheese today; pardon the pun, but it tastes like a load of Kraft. Senor Steinberg, perhaps only use this in an especially dire instant.

Chuck E. Cheese



Moving on.

One of man's great desserts.

It often comes with a coulis.
Although, perhaps too good for an artisanal cheese. Seriously, who actually orders the cheese plate over the cheese cake?

Grilled cheese
There's just something about grilled bread and warm melted cheese that always gets us in the gut. Plus, you can make it in a Foreman, which is about the manliest thing that you can ever do when it comes to cheese.

There isn't much downside to the grilled cheese. It packs easily; it's got a lot of texture; it covers 18 essential daily minerals and nutrients, including vitamin A (for awesome). Grilled cheese may not be flashy, what with no "edible ash" or other bling, but it's dependable, flexible, and long-lasting. The Tim Duncan of cheeses.

And the Blog Show is the Spurs of TV shows about blogs--they're a championship-level squad, consistently excellent. Or they're a bunch of dirty hackers who are boring to watch, I can't remember which way I was going with that metaphor.

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posted by Crucifictorious @ 08:39,


At August 16, 2007 at 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pretty cheesy posting for a lactose-intolerant guy!

At August 17, 2007 at 5:47 AM, Blogger Crucifictorious said...

Lactose-intolerant? Me?? Who bathes in a tub of warm milk and washes breakfast down with a mug of buttercream each morning???

Perhaps you have me confused with Crucifictorious Lee or possibly Crucifictorious Schwartz--I'm Crucifictorious Smith. But easy mistake to make.

At April 19, 2009 at 8:51 PM, Blogger PhDribble said...


At September 1, 2011 at 5:24 AM, Anonymous Web Hosting India said...

Hi Very nice post! It look to tasty. Thanks for sharing with us.


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