Man wants world to know he has giant box of porn
Wednesday, September 5, 2007


We're a nation of packrats, especially when it comes to sports stuff. Nearly every fan's collected something, whether it was the free Cal Ripken posters in the newspaper or classic Sports Illustrated covers.

But even as tiny tots, we could never stomach our collection playing second fiddle to anyone else’s, let alone not being unique. Who wanted to have the exact same Starting Lineup figures as dorky neighbor Joey? Not us. It’s a habit that has followed us over the years.

Take 1989, when we heard about Jimmy Chitwood's massive baseball card collection and realized he’d basically cornered the market. Frustrated, we stuck to finding every single Garbage Pail Kid instead--and trust us, Adam Bomb and Valerie Vomit age a bit less impressively than, say, a Junior Griffey rookie card.

Or in 2005, when we learned about one Redskins super-fan's insane collection of team paraphernalia, which had become "his whole life." Not that we were going to collect Redskins stuff anyway--we hate Dan Snyder and all he stands for--but the news further served to keep us away.

And in 2006, when we read about Arenas getting into the jersey-collecting business and promptly threw up our hands. What next? We gracefully ended our flirtation with the habit and returned the Unseld throwback jersey, price tag uncut.

(About the only time we ever out-collected our peers was in third grade, as no one else in class could represent the entire American League entirely via ice cream mini-helmets. Not coincidentally, we were tubby little bastards).

But, as we learned from the news wire yesterday, there’s one collection we’ll never be able to compete with. Honestly, we're retiring from the game right now. Just a truly exceptional feat of collecting that many young, sports-loving males can relate to. Only one problem: The police don’t want to return the guy’s giant stash of porn.

SAN RAFAEL, Calif.-- A man recently jailed for secretly videotaping a woman and a teenage girl has sued a police department for the return of his massive porn collection taken during the investigation. Dennis Saunders, 59, filed suit after the department refused to give back some 500 pornographic movies and 250 magazines his lawyer described as unrelated to the peeping case.


The Smoking Gun has done the world a tremendous service by posting snippets from the 40-page police report, which the cops had to love filing. Among Mr. Saunders’ collection, we found classics like "NYPD Nude," "Muffmania" (‘01 through ‘04), and the especially naughty "Maxell Video Head Cleaner."

(Yes, we feel dirty just writing this.)

Strictly speaking, we couldn’t find much in Mr. Saunders’ story that was sports-related, although we have some concerns that “Northwest Amateurs” shares too much information about Greg Oden, Josh McRoberts, and rest of the young Portland Trailblazers. And we’re reasonably confident that Fred Smoot and Daunte Culpepper were guest speakers at Muffmania ’04.

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posted by Crucifictorious @ 17:37, ,


If Ankiel can come back...
Saturday, August 18, 2007

It's Mediocre Month at We Rite Goode...where in the spirit of things, we're only devoting two weeks to celebrating lousiness. Yes, as August limps to a close, we shuffle along with it, thinking of the most awful-yet-great athletes who made us grin or, more likely, groan. I'll let Jimmy Chitwood take it away...--Crucifictorious

How does one recognize memorable cases of mediocrity? By definition, it seems impossible. The most exposure I had in dealing with mediocre athletes growing up was, naturally, collecting baseball cards. My interest in cards peaked in 1989, when I must have purchased dozens of packs of 1989 Topps cards at the legendary local discount store of my hometown (I'll spare you the suspense and tell you the store has passed away into memories). I can picture the '89 Topps design perfectly, from hours of staring at card after card in my room after ripping open the package and finding a couple dozen nondescript, no-talent ass clowns (at least by major league standards). Even my once-prized Ken Griffey Jr Topps Traded 1989 #41T is now worth only $4.86, according to Beckett. Don't feel bad for me; if I sold that card, I could buy 1.64 gallons of gas at the Circle K. That ain't too shabby.

Anyhow, I admittedly had to consult the web to select my perfect paragon of mediocrity from the 1989 Topps set-- a card that I had several of, with high hopes for stardom. You're in luck, Gregg Jefferies Future Star! As a 9 year-old kid, if Topps tells you a player is a Future Star, you tend not to question it. This Jefferies guy was destined for greatness. He's going to break through one of these years. You gotta believe!

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posted by Anonymous @ 17:22, ,


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